The Secret Society of Squirrels

The Secret Society of Squirrels. Look at these crazy little guys. Five thousand, five hundred and fifty-five nutty little fuckers.

 

While humans were still learning how to use a chisel and rope, the Society had mastered construction. When humans were still learning to fight with stupid metal toys, the Society had worked out how to split the atom.

 

They could obliterate us in a second, but that’s just not the type of guy they are. 

 

They could fly off to Mars but, damn, chestnut season is just around the corner.

 

So, they’ve learned to chill. 

 

Life ain’t hard for a squirrel in the Society. Grassy green groves, syrup sap, boundless bundles of sweet, sweet nuts, bro. The sad truth is you’ll never have it as good. 

 

Squirelltopia flourishes in the shadows.

 

No two squirrels are the same. You’ll probably get along with all of them quite well. They're obsessive about humans, in fact.  They've adopted some of our culture. Fashion, tech, games, drugs - if it looks good or feels good, you can bet they've tried it. 

But there’s just one thing they're missing – friendship. 

 

They’re not selfish types. There’s plenty of acorns to go about, and they're eager to share their crazy little personalities. Befriend a Squirrel and they will impart to you a shred of godlike squirrel wisdom.

 

 

Evil Bear Bear
 

Wow. Take a look at this guy. Big, bad, brown. He's a real fucker. 

 

He'll outrun, outswim, outclimb any of you weak humans. He's faster, stronger, meaner. Luckily for you he's got a very, very specific appetite.

 

He hates the squirrels. Their chirping and tippity-tappetty-tippity-tappetty little feet have drove him crazy. This forest ain't big enough for the both of 'em. Maybe it would be - but those little nutty guys are damn tasty. 

 

He terrifies the squirrels. 

 

"If you stray too low, he'll getcha," little squirrel Mother's say to their little squirrel babes, "and he'll eat ya!"